Imagine this:
You meet a man. He’s humble; he’s honest; he’s hard working… he’s wonderful. Swearing and fornicating is something he abstains from, partying and drinking doesn’t even cross his mind. He lives his life “by the book”.
His book: the Bible.
He is a Christian.
In a world where good men (or good people, for that matter) are becoming increasingly difficult to find, what happens if you meet this man who is essentially a better “Muslim” than numerous Muslim men you have previously met? What do you do?
I am a Muslim, Pakistani female and I know that – ideally – my family want me to marry a Muslim, Pakistani male. Growing up, it was indoctrinated within me that there will be some restrictions around the man I choose to marry. This wasn’t something I felt singled out by; it was exactly the same for all my friends and cousins. For the vast majority of us, we knew we were expected to marry a Muslim; for some of us, it had to be a Muslim from the same country as us; and for an unfortunate few, they would have to find their dream man in a smaller pool of Muslims, who also belonged to the same “community” as them. However, these days I can’t help but wonder if these restrictions are really relevant in twenty first century.
For starters, Islamically a woman is permitted to marry a Muslim from any cultural background – yet there is still such a strong stigma associated with marrying someone of a different race. Pakistanis marrying Bengalis, Bengalis marrying Afghans… whatever the mix, it causes havoc amongst the whole family. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not just the older generation who breed this segregation; this mentality is innate even within the youth. A Pakistani girl could have been with five Asian guys and it’s okay, but tell everyone she went out with one white guy and she is labelled a slut. What is it about our society that allows us to befriend, appreciate and integrate with all cultures and yet when it comes to marriage, we must stick to our own and no one else is good enough? My goodness, can you imagine being a Pakistani girl who wants to marry a fellow Muslim… black man? I cannot imagine the humiliation that would bring upon your entire existence. But why? Not only would the cohesion of two cultures be a beautiful thing, but it would support the unity amongst Muslims that Islam encourages – so I don’t understand why humans have put a barrier on something which Allah has not.
But let’s step away from culture for a minute and look deeper into religion, because that is what I’m really conflicting with recently. As we have always been told, a marriage between a Muslim woman and a Non-Muslim man would not be accepted in the eyes of Allah. So does this mean that the same Allah who created every single one of us – and loves us all equally and unconditionally – would prefer for us to marry someone less moral and less practising, who makes us less happy, just because he was born a “Muslim”? I just don’t understand how the same God who asked us to love… would punish us for loving. Surely God wants to see us happy – but does that come with restrictions of who is allowed to make us feel that way?
And if so, then does that mean it is better to just continue dating, despite the fact that you want to do things the “right” way?
Well, I guess there is a solution. By popular demand… you make the man convert. Simple. Conversion is the easiest and most common way to make your family (reluctantly) agree to your marriage. Apparently, it’s not actually important whether the man is genuinely converting for Islam or not. Everyone knows that more than often, the conversion process is just a sugar coating to help keep everyone sweet and to save the family reputation. Yet we continue to force people to change their religion by name, simply to save the slander of our name.
I researched into this a lot, and the only reason I found for Muslim men being allowed to marry a Christian or Jew – but not women – was because of children; the intent of the law was that children would be more inclined to follow the religion of their father, hence the father had to be a Muslim. But this seems like an archaic fact. In what century did kids have to take the father’s religion? I’m sure it’s not now. In fact, I would go as far as to say it is more likely today that children will grow up to follow the faith and teachings of their mother, rather than their father – hence this rule becomes redundant.
I love my religion more than I could ever love any man and I don’t think I could ever feel complete knowing I was living in sin; but I don’t know if I agree that the righteous partner Allah has picked for each of us has to be a Muslim for a woman – but a Muslim, Christian or Jew for a man. I like to think of Islam as a gender-equal religion, so if Muslim men are entitled to marry women “of the book”, surely the same right must be afforded to Muslim women too.
Don’t get me wrong; I am very well aware of the other side. My ideology may well be utopic. Perhaps this amalgamation of religions and cultures doesn’t actually work. As life goes on and you live together, you have children, you integrate with each other’s families, cultural differences may prove to be too much. Special occasions become a competition; it becomes Christmas versus Eid to try and convince your child which is most important. When your kids can’t communicate with your parents, watch Bollywood films with you, pray with you or eat your favourite food, maybe all this “liberal thinking” becomes futile. Perhaps, in the end, it isn’t really worth the fight. Perhaps, in the end, converting really is more successful than converging.
All in all, the big question is, would you defy your family for the man you love?
And the bigger question is, would risking your religion for the man who makes you happy, ever truly make you happy?
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Great blog! The problem is that people don’t take into account how things work from a religious perspective, they don’t care. They just want to avoid stigma in the community. But I think things are changing, we are breaking these barriers, so life will be a lot easier for the next generations. Hopefully.
Is the main photo two men? Lol. Thanks for writing this, it’s really interesting and thought provoking.
Great blog, again Mehreen! It’s an issue that’s confronted me in the past, not so much the colour of the other person’s skin but their religious beliefs. I think what makes it more challenging is your parents’ expectations of and for you but ultimately it’s about what’s more important to you, your faith or a guy or girl. Now having said that I think love is a universal language and if you truly love someone you look past all your differences, including religious beliefs. I know of people who have married others of a different religion to their own and their relationships are strong, thats not to say thats they have been without challenges or even reached near to breaking point along the way. In the end a compromise will have to be made, you can’t make a union between to teams without something giving way. The thing is what do you compromise on? Your happiness? (by finding someone of the same religion to you who you do not completely love) or your religion? (by finding someone who makes you happy but does not share your religion).
Its a discussion that leaves me with more questions than answers.
Another brilliantly written and thought provoking article. You are right about the actual religious reason being pretty archaic but what problematises it is that in Islam we don’t have the same concept of questioning and reviewing the relevance of certain rules ‘ in today’s society as the non orthodox Christians and Jews do. What has been passed down in the Quran and sunnah is the complete religion and cannot be changed. And therefore Allah’s commands are final and not to be questioned. The same thing applies to a lot of things like hijab, womens’ freedom etc. That’s why the whole situation is difficult because you are essentially having to choose between religion and love as you say and there isn’t anything one can do about it, which is a much bigger thing than the cultural malarkey.
Well, first and foremost, you need to look at the main authority, the Quran. The Quran states marry your children to believers, and another verse states Men can marry women of the book. Thus men have been granted express permission to marry Christians/Jews. Women have not been given any express authority. Unfortunately, affirmative words negate all other words not said, so no exceptions have been carved out for women.
Also the issue is no longer about whose religion the child adopts, I know interfaith couples whose children have adopted the mothers, the fathers, or non of their faiths. In fact some schools of thought have made it makrooh even for men to marry any one outside of Islam if they reside in a non islamic nation. A couple of schools of thought have declared it to be forbidden for men to marry outside Islam in non islamic nations.
This argument is proper, because this argument is based on the weak identity of those children. Look around you, all the muslim married to non muslim families you know, majority of their children are weak as muslims and don’t identify as one of us.
The more logical approach, you are born to a mother and father of opposing faiths, one of whom is a christian and the other a muslim. More likely than not, even if you are raised a muslim, you will identify with the other side. Because you live in a non muslim nation, you are around that environment and frankly, being muslim isn’t easy. So the slippery slope begins and the Ummah falls due to the lusts and love of muslim men and women in foreign nations.
Our children in Islam are the path to Jannah, the prophet said a man who raises three pious daughters will be given heaven. the man asked what if two daughters or one, the Prophet SAW said the same for them. So what chance do you have at heaven if your choice lead to a tumultuous islamic identity for your children. A beautiful Argentinian girl chased me and wanted to marry me, she didn’t want to convert, I said “No”. Because I can’t follow my heart or lusts, I have to be a proper decision maker. These very genes will be passed on to my kids, if you’re a poor decision maker, your kids are likely to do the same.
So no, I wouldn’t marry the other faith. I wouldn’t fight for it. I have no issue with a muslim of one race marrying another. However, logically speaking, I grew up in a Paki household, I saw how my mother and aunts took care of the men. I want the same, I don’t expect that from other cultures. That is our culture, our gem, and I wouldn’t give it up for the world.
P.S. read some comments. Our Prophet SAW said a woman who married a non muslim has left Islam. so yes it literally is between love and your faith. Thats why I don’t attend those marriages, I will not celebrate Kufr.
Also, as some say our rules are “archaic”, to say that even one rule or principal of Islam is wrong or no longer applies today defies the entire faith. The faith is said to be perfect, if you taint one word you have just ruined the sanctity of it in your heart.
You have to also remember that in the past it was common for men to marry more than one wife. Unlike today, women did not have the opportunities to work or have a government to support them, therefore a man could have a christian wife but also a muslim one.
Also the reason is not only children, women are more likely to be influenced by the husbands and become muslim then vice versa. The problem is when we try to challenge Allah’s law with our own limited human intellect – although it may not make sense to us, tawheed is putting complete trust in your lord
Regarding finding decent muslim men i strongly beleive that if you start practising islam properly, is prayer, charity, character, modesty etc etc. then Allah will grant you a pious husband. But if your going to be a ‘modern muslim’ (for the lack of a better word) then its unreasonable to think that Allah will give you a pious husband. Open your heart to Allah and He will open His doors to you.
The difficult question is asking why any god of any religion would force someone to convert..unless the reason is to simply further the followers of that religion.